"The entrance of thy words giveth light (Psalm 119:130)."
Anger Management
We all have to deal with anger. Not dealing with anger biblically can easily destroy your Christian life and rob you of the more abundant life which God has promised to His children who obey Him. The Bible warns: “Pursue peace with all men, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking diligently lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. . .(Hebrews 12:14-15 NKJV).”
The Bible states: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the Devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26 NIV).” A “foothold” means that the Devil can create emotional distress and/or depression at times of his choosing. Some people also experience disturbing "hallucinations" as a result of unresolved anger. The angrier you are, and the longer you remain angry, the greater the power that the Devil has to hurt you.
If you are unsaved, it is suggested that you first get saved. You will likely need the power of the Holy Spirit to be successful in dealing with anger.
The Bible requires us to forgive others and tells us in no uncertain terms what will happen if we don’t. Consider this passage: “Then Peter came to Him (Jesus) and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven (An unlimited amount of times). Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents (A huge debt—equivalent to millions of dollars). But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii (A much smaller debt: One denarius represented a typical laborer’s daily wage); and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses (Matthew 18:21-35 NKJV).”
I have been amazed, when I've taught Bible studies, how a surprising number of Christians fail to comprehend this simple parable! So I’ll mention the obvious: You must forgive everyone from your heart. If you don’t, you can expect torture: Anxiety, depression, headaches, digestive problems, skin rashes and an unlimited number of other ailments. This doesn’t mean that, if you have one of these, that you must have unforgiveness in your heart—there are other causes. However, unforgiveness is a likely possibility. Also, if you harbor resentment in your heart, it will likely make any medical condition you may have worse.
Forgiveness does not necessarily require that you socialize with the person who has wronged you. It also doesn’t mean that you have to discount the wrong that was done. It does not mean that you cannot file a police report so that others are not harmed. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t file a lawsuit to recover damages—if it’s done in the right spirit.
Forgiveness does require that you do not take pleasure in another person’s calamity (Proverbs 17:5). It does require that you give up thoughts and fantasies of experiencing pleasure or satisfaction as a result of another person suffering in some way (Psalm 37:7-8). It does require that you refrain from making negative judgements as to another person’s worth (Luke 6:37). And it does require that you do not try to get even out of spite (Romans 12:17-19).
Forgiveness is a decision that we make regardless of our feelings; it is an attitude that we adopt to preserve our mental health. Former President Richard Nixon put it this way: “Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.”
Forgiveness is the starting point in dealing with anger. Until you first make the decision to forgive others, you will never really make any progress.
Forgiveness may take a some time, depending on how long you've been angry. Success is the result of repeated decisions to forgive.
Here's some additional tips to help you deal with anger.
First, this passage: “One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, ‘Of all the commandments, which is the most important?’ ‘The most important one,’ answered Jesus, is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these' (Mark 12:28-31 NIV)."
A close look at this Scripture, in the original Greek text, indicates that we are to love others as a matter of principle. If we don't, we will be defeated in our Christian life!
The Bible commands us to love all our neighbors. Like forgiveness, loving others is a decision that needs to be made repeatedly--regardless of how we feel. Many people are anything but loveable. And we all have a sin nature, which means we can be expected to act badly at times. However, loving others, as a matter of principle, is an essential mental discipline that makes forgiveness easier. Otherwise, Satan will bring one bad experience after another into your mind—and you will struggle to forgive time after time. At times, you may give into the temptation to hate—and then the real pain begins! Resolve to love others—as a matter of principle—regardless of how they behave. And also forgive. These are both decisions that need to be made repeatedly. There is no other way to have peace!
The Bible explains how this works: “Hatred stirs up dissention, but love covers over all wrongs (Proverbs 10:12 NIV).” The same word translated “covers” is also translated “overwhelms” in another Scripture. By loving others, you don't have to suffer nearly as much because of their bad behavior.
Two other points need to be made before continuing: To have peace, both points need to be understood and applied. The Scripture states “Love your neighbor as yourself.” You are required to have a forgiving attitude toward yourself as well as others. Rather that beat yourself up, simply say: “I forgive myself for that.” Regardless of what you might think, you do have the ability to change your attitude toward yourself! There is no other way to "Glorify God in your body (1 Corinthians 6:20)" which we are all commanded to do! Here’s the second point: You are required to love God—even when things aren’t going well. The Bible also says to ". . .give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)." When things are going badly, a conscious effort is necessary to adjust your attitude. Praise and thank God anyway! Otherwise, you will naturally be angry at God--even if you are not consciously aware of it--and Satan will have a foothold!
You cannot love God and hate your neighbor. The Bible states: “If someone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen (1 John 4:20 NASB).”
Second, consider this Scripture from the Old Testament: “You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD (Leviticus 19:16-18 NKJV).” Translation: You will need to confront others at times and say “I don’t appreciate that.” Sometimes the best way to get rid of a painful anger foothold is to rebuke the offender. This especially tends to apply to dealing with habitually hot-tempered family members.
If you don’t express your feelings—when appropriate—you will “bear sin”; that is, struggle with unforgiveness. Loving others does not mean being a doormat, as this Scripture illustrates.
There is one caveat in regard to the last Scripture: The Bible also says: "Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse (Proverbs 9:6-8 NIV).” If you’re not sure of how to deal with a situation, pray and seek wise counsel.
Third: “The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe (Proverbs 29:25 NIV).” Expressing your feelings, standing up for yourself and confronting others, when appropriate, is essential to preserving your mental health.
The Bible says: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over (Matthew 18:15 NIV).” When attempting to resolve a situation with another person, first pray and then be assertive—not aggressive. Say something like “I really didn't like it when you said . . .” rather than “You were rude.” Take care of these issues right away, if possible: It is much easier to deal with a situation right after it occurred rather than days later.
Fourth, consider this Scripture: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you (Luke 6:27 NKJV).” Sometimes, the appropriate response is to repay evil with kindness. If this doesn’t work, you can always try something else. Again, pray and seek wise counsel. Also, loving your enemies actually makes you stronger, since Satan loses the ability to torment you with distress and emotional pain. Thus, it is much easier for you to be assertive and take appropriate action.
Fifth, resolve conflicts whenever possible. One woman found herself being persecuted at work for no apparent reason. She was able to resolve the problem by asking her co-worker “What are your terms for peace?”
Sixth, expose the evil that is being done to you. This was modeled by Jesus after he had been struck in the face: “‘If I said something wrong’, Jesus replied, ‘testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me' (John 18:23 NIV)?” This can be useful when you’re facing persecution from someone emotionally stronger than you. For example, a wife might say to her abusive husband: “Why are you trying to make me feel bad.”
Seventh, don’t pretend that you’re not angry. This is a general rule; I wouldn’t say there are no exceptions. The Bible says: “Whoever hides hatred has lying lips, And whoever spreads slander is a fool (Proverb 10:18 NKJV).” If someone is persecuting you, it is usually a big mistake to pretend that you are not angry—when you are. There is an emotional price to pay for both parties in a conflict situation. Pretending that you’re not angry—when you are—allows another person to persecute you without experiencing any adverse emotional consequences. This can go on forever.
Eighth, if you have a bad temper, force yourself to go back and apologize each time you are emotionally abusive to another person—especially children! Do this each time; you will be surprised how fast your bad temper disappears! Practice being assertive—not aggressive—when you are angry at others. Deal with a bad temper immediately—do not wait to become less angry first.
Ninth, if someone has something against you, it is usually a good idea to try to resolve the issue—even if you did nothing wrong. You can always say something like "I'm sorry what I did upset you." An unresolved conflict can lead to problems which will later make you angry. That is why the Bible says: "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-24 NIV)."
Tenth, we are required to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). When we entertain a thought of enjoying getting back at someone who has sinned against us, we have sinned. We all do this at times. Once you have sinned, understanding two Bible verses is critical: 1) “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9 NIV).” 2) “But if we judged ourselves, we would not come under judgment (1 Corinthians 11:31 NIV).” To avoid being punished by God, do the following. Confess the sin as soon as you become aware of it. To confess means to agree with God that what you have just done is wrong. It is, because God says it is. Period. Forgive the person and then pray for him/her from your heart. Then think about something else. Make an effort not to repeat this sin in the future. Never dwell on people you don't like.
Eleventh, the Bible says as follows: “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice (Ephesians 4:30-31 NIV).” Sometimes, Satan will get a strong foothold where he can throw you into emotional distress/depression after even briefly thinking about someone who has wronged you in the past. When such a foothold persists over a long period of time, this is often the result of traumatic abuse (e.g. Rape.) or as the result of prolonged emotional abuse. However, I remember one pastor who experienced the same thing—earlier in his life—as a result of becoming enraged after being cheated in a business deal!
It doesn’t make any difference what type of abuse you experienced; the effect is the same: It feels like you can’t forgive the person, you are overpowered when you try—you are very much in bondage. This can be an extremely painful experience. It feels hopeless. However, there is a way out!
If the person is still alive, consider writing the person a letter. Feelings follow actions, which is why this will work. This letter should be very brief! To be effective, this letter should be in strict conformity with these three rules: 1) It must encompass everything that may have offended you. 2) It must not imply that the other person is guilty of wrongdoing. 3) The letter must end, as though you are no longer angry, are now on acceptable terms and that the matter is now closed. Example: “I was upset by a number of things that you did and that you said in the past.” I forgive you for these things. I will apologize for my part in any problems we have had in the past. I’m writing this letter so that I can have more peace. I now consider the matter closed. Please do not respond to this letter. Best wishes . . .” There is no need to include a return address on the letter. If you do receive a letter in response, have a counselor or friend read it first; if it is a nasty letter, have this person destroy the letter and not reveal the contents of the letter to you. Otherwise, you will be re-injured and the process may have to be repeated.
This letter will usually get rid of at least 80% of the anger. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and you may have to forgive repeatedly, each time the issue comes up, to dissolve the remaining foothold and eliminate the remaining pain.
If the person who upset you is someone you come in contact with regularly, you probably should have a conversation in person. Discussing any emotionally-charged issue in person—rather than over the telephone—prevents unnecessary misunderstanding. It is still not necessary to itemize every offense, just say that a number of things that the other person said and did in the past were upsetting to you and that you needed to have this conversation so that you can have more peace. The person does not need to know how badly you were affected. Nor does he have to agree with you that he has done something wrong. Just make sure you end the conversation, to the best of your ability, on good terms. If, for example, you get a negative response, end the conversation with something like this: "I'll apologize for my part in the problems we had; have a good day."
Whenever, you are angry with another person and decide to discuss the issue with him/her, remember the two sentence rule. To discharge the anger, you must say at least two distinct sentences, each with no qualifiers. Correct example: "It ticked me off when you told the boss I didn't do my share of the work. I didn't like that at all." Incorrect example: "It ticked me off when you told the boss I didn't do my share of the work. I didn't like that, but anyway what are you going to do about that file."
Talking to another person about past wrongs is not appropriate in every situation. Pray and seek wise counsel before proceeding.
In family and other intimate relationships, it is appropriate and helpful to share more information and express more feelings.
If the person who has wronged you is now dead or unavailable, you, of course, cannot communicate with that person. But you can still forgive.
There are two techniques that you can try to help you resolve the unforgiveness.
The first technique that sometimes helps is to write a letter anyway. In this letter—that will later be destroyed—express your feelings to the person who you are angry at. The letter can be as long as you like. And you can write whatever comes to mind. End the letter by saying that you forgive the person.
The second technique is known as the "empty chair technique." You basically have the same conversation as though the person were present, visualizing the person sitting in the "empty chair." Again, you express your feelings. You don't need to censor your remarks. You end by telling the person that you forgive him/her.
These are techniques that you can try first if you prefer not to communicate with a living person who has wronged you. If they work, you don't need to communicate with the individual. There is a mystery here that I don't understand: For some people, these techniques work wonders. For others, they do no good whatsoever.
Twelfth, false beliefs. One thing to consider, if you are having difficulty with forgiveness, is your belief system in regard to this issue. If you believe you can’t forgive, you can’t. The Bible says you can. If you believe that forgiveness means that you have to discount the wrong that was done to you, you may find it impossible to forgive due to your false belief. If you believe that forgiveness requires that you again become friends with the person who has wronged you—and you don’t want to—you may likewise find it impossible to forgive. If you believe that every minor transgression must always be talked about—another false belief—then you will be unable to forgive until you do! Always beware of false beliefs.
Thirteenth, pray for the offender from your heart. The Bible says: "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44 NIV)." This is a great Scripture to memorize. Praying for enemies will help you forgive. This needs to be a habit.
Fourteenth, never allow yourself to make a negative judgement as to the worth of another person. The Bible states: "Do not judge so that you will not be judged (Matthew 7:1 NASB)." In other words, you will be punished it you do. Judging others makes it impossible to forgive! And you will also be angry at God, whether you realize it or not.
Fifteenth, just walk away. Or hang up the phone. If someone is yelling at you, this is probably the most appropriate response. Deal with the issue later. Make it clear that this will be your response to yelling from now on.
Sixteenth, to paraphrase an old adage, "an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure." Once anger has built up over a number of years, reducing it is often a slow and difficult process—though it can be done. Do everything you can to prevent anger from building up—or getting worse—in the first place.
Seventeenth, Surrender the anger to God. As one woman told me: "I give God my anger." Practice surrendering your anger to God. This is much more effective than you might think.
Eighteenth, utilize appropriate authority. This may mean contacting your boss, your boss' boss, the police etc. If you are unable to resolve a problem, consider making a complaint to those in authority.
Finally, you may have a situation where you are unable to resolve a conflict: Someone’s behavior is in the process of destroying you emotionally and/or poses a physical threat. And they won’t stop. In such cases, consider the following Scripture as a last resort: “Plans are established by counsel; By wise counsel wage war (Proverbs 20:18 NKJV).” You may need to do whatever is reasonably necessary to protect yourself. Just one caveat: No matter what you do, don’t hate the other person in your heart. That, and that alone, will destroy you.
Copyright © James Serio 2010